Posted on: 09/20/24 11:29AM
Fine, I guess I'll talk some Star Wars...
New Hope: Literally saved in editing, and even what we got wasn't amazing. Lucas was never a good writer and his weird obsession with old Japanese samurai films isn't something I share.
Empire: Lucas didn't have as much to do with this one, so it's actually decent. I still don't like Hoth all that much, and Yoda acting liker a goofball is more annoying than anything else. The best idea, Anakin and Vader being the same person, came from this, and it tried to plant some seeds with a sister, which was meant to be its own trilogy.
Return: I fucking hate Jabba, and the special edition made things so much worse. The Death Star somehow returned, because fuck it. Endor is somehow second worst, because everything to do with Jabba was dogshit. It also made Leia into Luke's sister, forever killing the whole notion of another trilogy featuring Luke's sister being trained on the other side of the galaxy. Leia also does jack shit for most of the film, betraying what was once a good character. Harrison Ford should have just gotten what he wanted and Han to be killed off, given how little he had to do in the movie, outside of be some kind of jealous jackass over Leia and Luke.
Phantom Menace: Oh. Fucking. Boy. A movie that could be skipped and you would only be very vaguely confused, because after this there's a massive time skip, and we're reintroduced to Anakin anyway. Lucas was never good at writing, but Lord have mercy.
Attack of the Clones: Lucas took what sounded like a cool lore idea, The Clone Wars, and turned it into a war between clones and robots, two forces that I have no reason to care about. Since I know the republic is dead, I can't even feel tension for that.
Revenge of the Sith: Palpy fighting Yoda was honestly the best part of the movie. Everything else was tripe and I wish I could have my memory wiped like C-3PO.
Force Awakens: Fuck you and your lame ass quasi remake. Yeah, they had more practical effects, but it was in service of literal dog shit. No amount of "but we used a camera lens used on the original movie!" can make me care about not Luke and Shadow the Hedgehog given human form.
Last Jedi: Imagine being worse than fucking J.J. Abrams at everything. That's what we got with Rian Johnson. Fuck everything about this fucking trash fire. And also fuck Rose Tico. Christ, they couldn't even follow through with making goddamned Finn an interesting character.
Rise of Skywalker: I've never seen it. I will never see it. Fuck it all.
Rogue One: I wish I could say I fell asleep to this movie. Instead, the only thing I truly remember was that some of the subtitles were screwed up and I had a laugh over it.
Solo: Never saw it. Never plan to see it. No, I don't care that Darth Maul shows up for a short while and tries to menace the audience with a lightsaber.
As I've never seen The Mandalorian, much less care to, I won't watch The Mandalorian & Grogu.
Star Wars Holiday Special: Yes, I watched it. No, it wasn't the worst thing ever. No, I didn't enjoy it to be some kind of contrarian. It's still dog shit, but a smaller pile than a lot of the internet claims it to be. I'd never watch it again, though.
The Ewok movies: I didn't even know these things existed until just now. But since Endor and the Ewoks were in the running for worst part of Return of the Jedi, well, shit, I cannot imagine my liking them.